Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn't the same as having high standards. High standards can sit comfortably alongside self-acceptance. Perfectionism rarely does.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is generally understood as a pattern of setting exceptionally high standards for yourself, paired with harsh self-criticism when those standards aren't met (Hewitt & Flett, 1991). It can show up as an all-or-nothing view of success, where anything short of flawless feels like failure.
For many people, perfectionism doesn't feel like a flaw to fix. It often feels like the thing holding everything together, the belief that if you just try hard enough, prepare enough, or get it right enough, you'll be safe from criticism, rejection or disappointing others. That's part of what makes it so hard to loosen.
The Different Faces of Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn't one single experience. Researchers Hewitt and Flett (1991) describe three distinct forms, and most people relate to a blend of them rather than just one. Socially prescribed perfectionism in particular has been linked to higher rates of self-criticism and low self-esteem (Hewitt & Flett, 1991), which is often the form we see driving the most distress in therapy.
Self-Oriented Perfectionism
Setting relentlessly high standards for yourself, and judging yourself harshly when you fall short, even when no one else is watching.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism
Holding the people around you, partners, colleagues, children, to the same exacting standards you hold yourself to.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism
Believing that other people expect you to be perfect, whether or not they've actually said so, and feeling like you're constantly performing to meet those imagined expectations.
The Perfectionism Cycle
Perfectionism often isn't a straight line from "high standards" to "high achievement." For many people, it becomes a loop.
The fear of not doing something perfectly can lead to procrastination, delaying a task altogether to avoid facing the possibility of falling short (Yosopov et al., 2024). That delay creates pressure, pressure creates more anxiety, and the eventual result, rushed, incomplete, or judged too harshly, seems to confirm the original fear. The cycle resets.
This is why perfectionism and procrastination so often travel together. It's not laziness or poor time management, it's an attempt to protect yourself from a failure that feels unbearable (Yosopov et al., 2024).
Perfectionism, Anxiety & Depression
Perfectionism doesn't exist in isolation from mental health. Self-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism in particular have both been associated with higher rates of anxiety and depression (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).
Self-compassion research shows a similar pattern in the opposite direction people with
higher self-compassion tend to score lower on maladaptive perfectionism, and the relationship between the two appears to genuinely soften the impact of perfectionism on depressive symptoms (Woodfin et al., 2021).
In practice, this often looks like:
Rumination over small mistakes long after the moment has passed
Difficulty accepting compliments or "good enough" outcomes
Persistent anxiety before starting or finishing tasks
Low mood tied closely to performance or achievement
None of this means perfectionism causes anxiety or depression outright. But the two are closely intertwined, and addressing one often means gently addressing the other.
Perfectionism & Neurodivergence
Perfectionism shows up differently, and often more intensely, for people who are Autistic, have ADHD, or are AuDHD. For Autistic people, perfectionism has been linked to elevated anxiety and depressive symptoms, and is sometimes connected to a need for predictability, control, or "getting it right" in a world that can otherwise feel unpredictable (Greenaway & Howlin, 2010).
For people with ADHD, perfectionism is often closely tied to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), an intense emotional
response to perceived criticism or failure. In one qualitative study, adults with ADHD described using masking and withdrawal to manage the distress of anticipated rejection, sometimes becoming disconnected from their own needs and feelings in the process (Rowney-Smith et al., 2026).
For AuDHDers, these pressures can compound each other. The ADHD drive to avoid criticism can combine with an Autistic need for order and predictability, creating a particularly persistent and exhausting form of perfectionism.
A Self-Compassionate Way Forward
At Treat Yourself Well, we don't approach perfectionism as something to be eliminated through willpower or "just relaxing." We approach it with curiosity, understanding what it's protecting you from, and compassion, recognising that these patterns usually developed for good reason.
Real Standards,
Real Fear
Your standards, and the fear underneath them, are real and worth taking seriously, not dismissing as "just perfectionism."
Balanced Understanding
We look at both the strengths perfectionism can bring (care, thoroughness, high standards) and the difficulties it creates, without treating either in isolation.
Contextual Awareness
We consider the environments, families, schools, workplaces, and social expectations that may have shaped your relationship with mistakes and achievement.
Practical
Insight
Support that helps in the moments that matter, submitting the imperfect draft, resting without guilt, letting a mistake simply be a mistake.
You Don’t Have to Navigate It Alone
There's no threshold you need to meet before it's worth having a conversation about this.
To learn more or to enquire about our perfectionism support, contact us at: info@treatyourselfwell.com.au, or give us a call on (02) 9555 4810.
References: Greenaway, R., & Howlin, P. (2010). Dysfunctional attitudes and perfectionism and their relationship to anxious and depressive symptoms in boys with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 40(10), 1179–1187. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-010-0977-z Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470. Rowney-Smith, A., Sutton, B., Quadt, L., & Eccles, J. A. (2026). The lived experience of rejection sensitivity in ADHD: A qualitative exploration. PLOS ONE, 21(1), Article e0314669. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0314669 Woodfin, V., Molde, H., Dundas, I., & Binder, P.-E. (2021). A randomized control trial of a brief self-compassion intervention for perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and body image. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 751294. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.751294 Yosopov, L., Saklofske, D. H., Smith, M. M., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2024). Failure sensitivity in perfectionism and procrastination: Fear of failure and overgeneralization of failure as mediators of traits and cognitions. Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment, 42(6), 705–724. https://doi.org/10.1177/07342829241249784