Emotional Regulation - Parenting

Big Feelings: Understanding Emotional Regulation

What is it and how do we do it....

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, understand, and manage our emotions in ways that support our goals and wellbeing. Rather than reacting automatically, it allows us to pause, make sense of what we’re feeling, and choose how to respond. When emotional regulation is difficult — known as emotional dysregulation — emotions can feel overwhelming, intense, or hard to control, often leading to impulsive or unhelpful reactions. This is common, especially during stress, trauma, neurodivergence, or challenging life stages, and is particularly expected in children and young people.

Strong emotional regulation skills are linked to wellbeing across the lifespan. In childhood, they support learning, focus, and positive relationships. During adolescence, they help young people manage stress, social challenges, and identity development. In adulthood, emotional regulation plays a key role in healthy relationships, work performance, and decision-making. Later in life, it supports resilience, adaptability, and life satisfaction. Simply put, emotional regulation underpins mental health, relationships, and quality of life at every age.

These skills don’t develop overnight. Emotional regulation grows through a combination of brain development and lived experience. While emotional brain systems mature early, the areas responsible for planning, impulse control, and reflection develop slowly — continuing into early adulthood. Alongside this biological growth, emotional regulation is learned through relationships, modelling, practice, and supportive environments. Importantly, it remains a learnable skill throughout life.

Neurodivergent individuals may experience emotions more intensely, more quickly, or for longer periods of time. Sensory sensitivities, differences in impulse control, and communication challenges can all affect how regulation looks and feels. This doesn’t mean regulation skills are absent — they may simply require different strategies, supports, or timelines. Understanding this shifts the focus away from “fixing” emotions and toward creating environments that support different nervous systems.

You may have heard about the term big feelings - well when big feelings show up, emotional regulation can be supported through a simple process: noticing physical cues, identifying emotions, understanding what’s driving them, validating that they make sense, identifying what’s needed, and responding intentionally. A wide range of calming strategies — body-based, sensory, and mental — can help soothe intense emotions and restore balance.

For young children, emotional regulation is especially challenging because the brain systems responsible for self-control are still developing. Meltdowns and emotional outbursts aren’t misbehavior — they’re a normal part of development. With patience, co-regulation, and consistent support from caregivers, children gradually build the skills they need to manage emotions more independently over time.

Emotional regulation isn’t about getting rid of feelings — it’s about learning what they mean, what is being communicated and how to respond to them with understanding, compassion, and care. And if it feels hard? You’re not broken. You’re human. Treating yourself (and others) kindly is a powerful place to start. 💛